


Don't let fear take a hold of you

by Wolfman1985



Category: Zootopia
Genre: F/M, Fear, Greedyness, Mistakes, cowardice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 15:42:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14108649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfman1985/pseuds/Wolfman1985
Summary: Judy was usually fearless, intrepid. But there are things that make her sweat in despair and apprehension. Her own insecurities as well as her own dumb mistakes land her in a hard spot on her emotional life.In the end, she isn't fearless, or as pure as people think her to be, deep down, she was a coward as well as a greedy bun. The whole deal is how was she going to deal with that, and the consequences of her actions.





	Don't let fear take a hold of you

**Author's Note:**

> This has been sitting for a while on my pc, so I decided to polish it a little, then publish it. 
> 
> English isn't my first language, so I'm sorry for any mistakes, if you point me a mistakes or something badly done, I'll will fix it as soon as I can. 
> 
> Zootopia is a property of our Overlords, Disney Inc... I make no monetary gain from this.

_She limped toward him, her body shaking due to the pain that assaulted her senses, it was over. They had managed to stop that madmammal. She just needed to wake up her partner and go to the hospital and everything would be fine; they could finally discuss what’s going on between them, marry and have as many kits as possible._

_“Nick…” He was so still, his fur was burned at some points and the smell, oh gosh the smell, “I’m here Nick…” she cried in agony when she kneeled beside him, her body finally reaching the end of the journey, “I’m coming Nick… just wait for me honey… I’m already coming, you’ll never be alone again buddy…” She could hear the sound of mammals approaching, screaming their names, cursing, crying… “I’m sorry guys,” she felt her eyelids closing themselves; never had they felt so heavy before._

“NO!”

With a start, the doe looked around her, her breath labored as a cacophony of screams, curses and cries assaulted her senses all over, the bunny felt disoriented, lost and overwhelmed, her body shaking violently as she attempted to find her injuries, her partner, the body of that damnable horse, but the sound of children screaming and two really familiar voices quickly filling up her overwhelmed ears caught her attention.

“Judy… what’s going on?” Groggily asked Jack, her brother who had barged into the female’s room after the first scream, a wooden bat on his hand that was comically too large for him despite the fact that he was a particularly huge buck.

Eunice, Amelia and June attempted to calm the now crying kittens, as they had been apparently scared witless by her little tirade, all three of them launching her some glances that varied from annoyed to concern. Unsurprisingly, behind Jack was Steven, Aaron and Peter, who were looking around with barely opened eyes and noses shaking, her parents voices could be heard from the hallway, apparently ordering the children to go back to sleep.  

“It was a-a nightmare…” Judy confessed as she finally got the courage to talk after a few seconds of simply staring around her, “a nightmare… oh gosh, thank goodness that it was just a nightmare…” Judy said as she finally understood that it was merely a dream, and that she was safe in the confines of her family property.      

Eunice went toward her assigned bed, sitting beside her to pat her shoulder reassuringly.

“Was it work related?” June inquired, as she shushed a little kitten on her arms, barely two or three years old, their youngest sibling from their mother hopefully last batch, “It had to be… for you to be this shaken.”

Judy just nodded, quickly letting her little sister embrace her further as she needed the comfort. It had felt so real, so horridly real.   

“Do you think you can go back to sleep?” Jack asked as he looked at his sister, the rest of the bucks simply leaving the room so they could go towards their own beds at the male side, some of them taking their curious younger siblings with them to alleviate their parents work at the moment, groans and moans going all over as many wanted to know in detail what had bothered Judy in such a fashion.

“I don’t think so Jackie,” Judy answered honestly, her mind still focused on the dreadful scenes, her nose twitching in stress as she recalled the whole ordeal with quite good clarity as well as intensity, “I think I need to call Nick… I just, it was just so horrible, let me do that, and we’ll chat at the kitchen once I’m done?”

“Sure, why not, it’s just two AM.” Jack softly said, trying to convey a message that she dutifully ignored, the dread on her stomach leading her to act impulsively.

She walked toward a room that she knew would grant her a modicum of privacy, her hand trembling slightly as she dialed Nick’s number, her mind going a mile per second about so many things at the moment, it sounded one, twice before she heard the distinct sound of a call being picked up.

“C-Carrot’s what’s going on?” His voice was groggy, obviously he had been sleeping, but she could still perceive the slight alarm entering his tune, “What happened?!”

Her voice hitched a little, what was she doing? “I’m sorry Nick, I just had this horrible nightmare, and it was so real, you died, and I was dying and…” a hiccup, the scenes from the nightmare still quite clear on her mind, she breathed in and profoundly, trying to control her emotions, barely managing to do so. “I’m sorry… I’m just being stupid again.”

“I don’t mind Judy,” Nick answered back, softly, his voice was candid, like she hasn’t heard it in a while, even earnest and welcoming, “How are you going on Carrot-Land? Besides the obvious, of course…”

“Same old, though, I’m afraid that I might’ve burned some bridges with my little sisters, it was my turn to be the watch mammal, and I nearly ended up screaming the life out of them.” She chuckled, her heart feeling warm as her voice wavered a little less so thanks to him, “I might need to bribe my way into their good graces once more.”

He chuckled, and she had to admit that hearing him do so did her good, her problems momentarily forgotten, and the nightmare quickly falling into the confines of her mind, never to be feared again.  It struck her right there that she missed him, here beside her, her mind quickly urging her to ask him, to propose him the possibility of him spending the rest of his vacation here, on the farm with her, when she heard the sound of someone knocking on a door, her eyes going to the open entrance to this particular room, left alone and without any intruder there, only for her ears to hear the sound of Nick moving the phone away from his mouth, asking who was it, and then _she heard her,_ Honey, and memories of why they weren’t together at the moment like they used to assaulted her mind, reminding her why she was here, alone and having nightmares about _losing him._

“Oh, you’re with Honey?” It came out of her mouth before she could even think on controlling the impulse; the tune was filled with derision and even some anger. “I see…”

“Fluff, it isn’t what you think.” He attempted to explain, but once more his voice went back to rigid, controlled, she was talking to Nick the Hustler, “Yes, I’m staying in her house, but it’s mostly because…”

“So, I’m just a thing of the past then?” The grip on her phone was painful, she could feel the plastic digging into her skin, “You don’t come with me to my family’s farm like we used to, we don’t spend time together in the weekends like we used to, because you’ve Honey now.” It was irrational, she knew it, but she couldn’t prevent a repeat of what had caused a break between them, she couldn’t prevent it, “I’m just a thing of your past…”

“Judy, you’re being irrational, I’m just helping a friend.” This time, his tune was strict, severe even. His officer voice, which only served to spurn her ego even more, all rationality fleeing her mind at the moment, “If you just would listen for a sec-“

“I love you,” She abruptly said, ears thundering with the sound of her heart; she thought that it would have been easier to say it over the phone if she didn’t had him beside her, making her nervous, “so much it hurts,” but the truth was that it made her feel worse, insecure. She had grown accustomed to watch him; she had learned to read his body to such an extent that they worked seamlessly without the need of words, a single movement conveying a whole message, intent clear on their eyes and bodies.

But now? Now she just found that without those telltales she couldn’t discern the truth from the lies, he was better than her at modulating his voice; he had decades of experience doing so.

“J-Judy, I…”   

And just now, she just found that she couldn’t discern things like she wanted to, his stutter sending alarms all over the place, it was here when he closed off, when he gently turned her down, so there was only one simple thing to do.

With a click, she killed the call, and with practiced ease and another pressed button, she turned off her phone. It was irrational, it was childish, and it only served to make things even more awkward and painful between them, but she didn’t want to hear him, all joviality gone between them once more. She attempted to control her breath but it was to no avail, she hiccupped once, then twice before she managed to calm down, enough to simply not break under the pressure.

She wouldn’t break under this, she wouldn’t.

Looking at the phone only served to instigate her anger and regrets, causing a disgusting mixture on her tummy that put her mind ablaze with what if, and would be.

It took her longer than she thought to control her emotions and put a serene façade over her frayed self, she walked toward a nearby bathroom, splashing her face with some water, and putting a slight hint of deodorant on her fur to mask her smell, not enough to occlude her aroma, but plenty to at least hide how she felt from her mother and siblings. The walk toward the kitchen, were she knew thanks to the sounds and slight aroma assaulting her senses thankfully, served her enough to calm down even further, enough to pretend that there wasn’t anything wrong with her and her life.     

She was confident that Nick wouldn’t call her parents cellphone nor the house phone, not at this hour, and by turning off her phone he should at least get the hint that she didn’t wanted to talk, sadly, a recent but quite common routine between them in the past six months.

When she emerged from the shadows and onto the kitchen, her mom smiled at her, and softly prompted her to sit beside her, a cup of hot coffee and some marshmallows on the table, she smiled appreciatively and sat, enjoying the aroma, and the atmosphere, calming even further. “Sorry, I’m still shaken from how real that dream felt; calling Nick helped a bit, but not that much.” Curiously, there were far more rabbits on the kitchen than what she was hoping for, but she knew how to solve that, as she was aware that they would ask what exactly, she had dreamed about, so she softly explained about the whole deal, knowing well that the job of a cop offered lot of issues that they usually weren’t actually ready or willing to deal with. But regardless of their discomfort, they remained by her side as she told them fully what the dream had been about, some of them shivering at the amount of detail that the doe put in her tale.

Half an hour later, only Jack, Judy and Bonnie remained as the rest had decided to catch some sleep before they had to wake up once again in a few hours to work on the farm.

“Cheese and crackers sis, you’re bonkers…”

“Jack!”

“You’re probably right Jackie, a shame that’s probably a familiar trait at this stage, as you’re seriously out of your mind to willingly use that pajama with us around…” Judy said back, looking at the motif on the buck’s clothes as he stared at them for a few seconds, obviously surprised that he had forgotten about them. “So, My Little Hominid, uh?”

“Isn’t that the show for little girls?” Bonnie inquired, now curious about her son choice of clothes, enjoying how much his ears were blushing at the moment under their scrutiny.

“I work at that show, and it isn’t _just_ for little girls, I’ve worked hard in many of those episodes to break that belief, I’m using this as a way to support my fellow workers, thank you very much ladies…” The buck said defensively, as he put his entire attention on his cup of coffee to not look them and their gleaming eyes.  

“Sure… whatever makes you happy, Jackie,” Judy said joyously before she giggled with mirth, “horridly inaccurate renditions of mystical creatures aside, I’m sorry guys… my third night here on the burrow and I nearly cause you all a heart attack.”

“Don’t you worry that little head of yours Judy, it was just a nightmare… a horridly specific and detailed nightmare that it’s seriously going to haunt my dreams for a while…” Jack offered while he ignored his mother withering gaze and Judy small smile, “are you sure that the guy isn’t real?”

“Completely… I think it was just an amalgamation of several suspects that I had apprehended in the past three years… and probably some of the movies that I’ve been watching with Nick… and Honey.” She looked down at the cup, unaware of the slight change in her tune when mentioning the badger, which thankfully, no one mentioned.

Her mind immediately going back to the fact that Nick was at Outback Island with her, and not here with…

“So… how did your call with your boyfriend go? How’s Nick.” Bonnie inquired, before she drank some of her coffee, smiling slightly at the groan that emerged from her daughter.

“Mom… Nick’s not my boyfriend…”

“Really? You’re actually quite possessive of that male, sis.” Jack immediately added, his ears laid back as he stared at her, happy about the turnaround; “you didn’t let June or Beatrice get within reach of him the last time you brought him by.”

“I was protecting them…” Judy immediately said, a slight snarl on her voice, her hackles rising lightly at the memory, “They’re just looking for-Erm,” looking at her mother and deflating a little, the doe simply couldn’t really voice what she had in mind, “trouble.”  

“Oh Judy… you don’t need to mince words in front of me, your sisters are sexually attracted to your partner, and you don’t like it.” Bonnie offered, smiling mischievously at the expression on her children, “What? You’re adults, I can talk adult’s things with you now…”

Jack and Judy glanced at each another, the buck being the one who actually had the courage to vociferate what they had in mind.

“Actually, we’re more surprised that you aren’t freaking out, mom,” Jack added, looking at his mother peaceful eyes, “I mean… don’t take it personally, but after the Claude incident, we just thought…”

“Claude was an asshole,” Bonnie heatedly said, ears now up and alert, “He was using Pete, playing with his feelings… that sheep wasn’t a good mammal,” sighing, the doe put her cup on the table, looking at her children, “I’m quite sure that you’re both aware of how mammals perceive us in the sexual department... just because we enjoy copulation doesn’t mean that we’re easy pickings that are also easily discarded.”

Jack and Judy lowered their ears, both of them already understanding why her mother hasn’t taken the issue with Claude Woolstone that well.

“And Nick’s a sweetheart, he could be a good first experience for them before they finally settle in with a buck, or not, who knows?” the doe finally added, enjoying the looks that her children was giving her, “What? Thought that I would rant about how unnatural it’s? Many things can change in three years…”  

Judy simply smiled at that, and many things had changed indeed. Her warren wasn’t the same habitat that it had been in the past; her folks were quite adaptable and willing to change if doing so gave good results to the community, they might be farmers, but they weren’t ignorant either despite what people often thought of country folk.

“That’s sweet mom, really. But they’re not putting their hands over that fox, I wouldn’t hear the end of it if he actually manages to sleep with them,” Judy said, shaking her head about what she knew the male would actually do, “He would brag about it for weeks just to drive me crazy… and believe me, he’ll enjoy every second of me squirming in discomfort about his sexual progress.” Before she snapped up and murdered him in cold blood.        

“Easy there girl, for a second you sound as if the mere idea of Nick and sex isn’t up to your tastes,” Jack offered, smiling slightly as he ignored the glare that the doe gave to him, “or maybe you’re simply uncomfortable with the idea of him being in such a way with another mammal…”

“It’s just not that simple, Jack… Nick’s a good male, seriously. He’s funny, charming, sweet and definitely a good candidate for a mate…” Judy immediately clarified after she drank the last of her cup, “but we just don’t have any time for that, being a cop doesn’t offer you much time to socialize… we’ve also so much to lose is things turn sour.” Among other glaring things that she continuously did her best to ignore, and forget.   

“Judy, you’re just being negative… that isn’t you.” Bonnie quietly said, looking at her daughter worriedly, “what’s actually the problem, dear.”

“Is just that, we’re close mom… _really close_ , sometimes so much that I’m afraid we’re about to cross a line that would ruin everything, and I would end up losing not just my best friend, but my partner…” Sighing, the doe glanced at her mother, then at her brother smiling tiredly at them, “then there’s the problem that we have been somewhat distant these past months, I mean… he didn’t even come with me like the last time, and I didn’t fight it that much either, deep down I just wanted some time for myself away from him… it’s just, confusing.” A truth, but not entirely the whole ordeal, things were far more complicated than she let them thought.

Jack glanced at Bonnie, who was looking at Judy closely before the old doe sighed and put her cup down once again.

“I guess you’re just experiencing an overload, darling…” The bunny said as she smiled softly at them, “It happens from time to time, I love Stu, really… but sometimes he drives me crazy. And I’m quite sure I do the same to him, so we take a time apart from each other. It doesn’t mean that we don’t love each other anymore, we do… but even the most sociable mammal needs time for itself.” Looking at her daughter, then at her son, she also added, “It’s the same when you’re simply desperate to get away from here and your family.”

“Mom…”

“No, don’t mom me… I used to be a daughter too I know how it is,” Bonnie immediately clarified, “the same happens with your friends and your mate, or mates depending on what mammal you’re…”

“We’re not equines, mom… or cervines.” Judy quickly offered, “even if polyamory is legal, it doesn’t mean that I’m going to join in, I’m more of the monogamy kind, thank you.”

“Ditto… I’ve seen Aunt Miriam deal and I must say that I’m not comfortable with _so_ many kits…” Jack added, looking at their mother who shivered at the thought of her sister burrow and the particular deal within.

“Eight hundred and sixty five kits within a burrow… that’s, overwhelming.” Bonnie confessed, “I love Miriam, and Emile, Susan, Rose, Steven and William are good mates for her, but yeah… that’s a huge load of work that I’m not sure I want to tackle… if ever.” Looking at her children, who were glancing at each other, she immediately clarified, “my current amount is more than enough with nearly three hundred, and Stu agrees with me that my last round should be that, my last…”

“So… no more brothers and sisters to care about?” Jack inquired carefully, trying to not appear as hopeful and failing miserably.

“No more, darling. Doesn’t mean that there isn’t going to be more kits in this burrow at this pace…” Bonnie immediately warned, as she glared lightly at Jack, “I would love to meet Gladys properly, Jack. You’ve been using the east wing far too much, some of your brothers and sisters has begun to inquire just what have you been doing, some had _heard_ you.”

Judy looked open mouthed at her brother, not able to believe what her ears were currently hearing, internally grateful that the scrutiny wasn’t over her anymore.

“Gladys, as in… _Cousin_ Gladys?”

“Hey, we’re all cousins on this town, at least to some degree… which now that I think of, it’s quite worrisome… but just because we call her cousin doesn’t mean that we’re _actually_ relatives, Jude…” The buck defensively said, crossing his arms over his chest, “and… she proposed and who was I to say no?”

“What about your work, Jack? You live at Haretropolis…” Bonnie immediately asked, as worried as her daughter about what she had just heard, “Gladys is the heir of the Tumperline’s, I seriously doubt that she would leave her burrow and beans farm to…”

“Ladies, ladies… calm down, work’s great but this is the last season and I don’t see myself going toward another company when my team gets dissolved. It had been six fantastic years, but I think I had enough of the entertainment industry,” the buck explained as he glanced at the two of them, “It has been great, but I’ve been missing the farm too much in the last couple of month’s… and Gladys has been a constant support through my whole career, so I guess it’s time for me to settle… maybe write a children book between seasons.”   

To Judy this was a surprise, as Jack was among the few kits of her litter that had dared to specialize with something that wasn’t definitely farm related. To hear him renounce with such an ease to what had been his childhood dream, his obsession as a kitten just to settle down, hit her harder than she was willing to accept, much less vociferate. But regardless of her opinion, she smiled and supported Jack to the best of her abilities, it wasn’t her decision to make, and he didn’t needed someone scolding him from making a choice that he sorely wanted to, it was his happiness that he was searching for and Gladys offered that, denouncing, deeming foolish or crushing his choice would only alienate him from them.

In the end, Jack sighed and told them that he was going to rest for what remained of the night, as it had been a long, long hour were he had barely been holding up despite his cup of coffee, as the travel to Haretropolis to Bunnyburrow was even larger and harsher than the two hours travel from Zootopia to the burrows.

Sighing, Judy looked at her cup, now empty of her third recharge, her mind wasn’t at rest as she had wanted to, and Jack’s bomb had only helped to increase what had been worrying her the whole time.

“Honey…”

Cringing at her mother interruption, Judy looked at her, seeing the concerned gaze firmly etched on her face. It was obvious that the doe wouldn’t let this go easily, and for the first time in a long time, Judy didn’t feel the need to be strong, so she decided to misdirect with another truth.

“It just took me by surprise, him giving up on being a cartoon writer,” she really hoped that Gladys was worth such a sacrifice, and thankfully, her mother let the deal go, affixing her attention on this problem instead of the other.

“If it’s what’s makes him happy, I’m certainly going to support him wholeheartedly.” The older doe said firmly, already knowing what had actually bothered her precious child, “there’s more to life than work, Judy…”

“I know mom, I know. But, he worked so hard to get there and, I guess I’m just being silly…” shaking her head, never minding her brother’s choices, she actually looked at her mom, happy to have her for herself right now, but she knew that she needed to put her attention in other matters, the two of them quickly falling back to their old routine, chatting amicable of this or that, of what had Harold done, and what Stefanie did. The first’s words of Richard, Belle, Emily, and pretty much a whole bunch of kittens that had her mother shining bright with pride and love.   

It was then, after half an hour of idle chatting, that Judy noticed just how late it was, her mother following her glance and gasping, it was late, enough that there should be some bunnies waking up, ready to work on their routines, which forced them to break things right there, the two of them going to fix more coffee and the food station to work, knowing that a lot of hungry mouths were soon to fill the whole place.

It took them hours of exhausting labor, but with the help of some more bunnies; they managed to fix enough food for the early risers, among them her father and older siblings, each joking about her nightmare and what happened a few hours ago, soon leaving the kitchen to those assigned to maintenance and clean duty, which left them now free to get some sleep.

Four hours later, Judy was up again, as it was truly impossible to sleep in a house full of little children running, playing and destroying everything around them, their every step, cry and movement impending any sleep to be had, which forced her to take a hot bath, so she could be somewhat decent once she emerged from her room.

It didn’t surprise her at all to find her mother already working on the kitchen, supervising the stoves and the plethora of liquids that were slowly simmering on its surface, her ears moving a little as she walked toward her, her head moving to greet her, a smile on her face.

“Good morning, Sweetheart.”

“Morning mom…” Judy said back, watching her mother attentively, knowing that she had perhaps remained awake the whole time instead of going to sleep like she had, her eyes now scrutinizing every detail, quickly falling on to a new bracelet on her wrist.

“A new gift from dad, uh?” Judy immediately said as she giggled lightly at the rosy ears of her mother, a pleased smile firmly etched on her face, “Say, mommy… would you tell me how you met dad?”

“Uh, say that again?” Bonnie asked, surprised by her daughter question, looking around and finding to her surprise that they were alone in the kitchen, something actually quite rare considering the amount of hungry or thirsty beings on the warren, “I’m surprised Judy, romance is usually a repellent to you, oh my… how have things changed.”

“Mom,” the young doe whined lightly, feeling her own ears heat with the rush of blood that was coursing through them, “I’m just curious, that’s all…”

“How do I begin? Well… it might surprise you that he wasn’t my first choice,” The oldest doe began, quickly noticing the surprised expression on her daughter face, “Oh, I’m not lying, trust me… I couldn’t stand him at first, he cried too much to my tastes.”

“Why?” Judy immediately questioned, unable to believe that it hasn’t been love at first sight, “I just thought that…”

“We were born joined at the hip? No, my younger self, well… I used to be snotty and mean spirited.” Bonnie said, enjoying how surprised her daughter was at her tale, “I thought myself the most beautiful doe that ever graced the entire town, bucks of all families courted me, high and low… my sisters despised me, I tell you… Miriam in particular,” an old chuckle then emerged her mouth, her mind taking her to a long travel through memory lane, “Stu wasn’t among those that admired me, though…”

“Wait… wait, you weren’t dad first either?”

“Not in the likeliest… he had eyes for your aunt Pauline, they were really similar minded, enjoyed the same things and wanted to be pretty much farmers like our parents, many of my sisters and brothers on the other hand thought that the world was ours for the taking, especially me. Thanks to how many fawned over me, I was certainly convinced that I was destined to be a great actress.”

“Were you any good?”

“Not in the likeliest…” Bonnie immediately answered, laughing at her daughter surprised gaze, enjoying this far too much, “But the bucks enjoyed seeing me, so they constantly stroked my ego so I thought myself the incoming Marilyn Mouserou…”

Judy looked at her mother, eyes wide open at what she was hearing, unable to believe that her mother had been like that, her image of her contrasting hideously with what she had described. It was simply unthinkable, but the smile that adorned her mother face slowly morphed into one of defeat.

“Then I received the news about a talent hunter coming into Bunnyburrow and I definitely signed up, or at least, tried to. Your Grandmamma on the other hand forbid me from going… so I did what any bratty and rebellious teen would do, I slipped away when she wasn’t looking for me.”

“No way… what happened then?”

“I got my cute fluffy tail handed to me; the mammal looked at me and laughed when I told him that I was what he had been looking for. ‘ _Show me what you got’._ I still remember that shrill voice of his, and I did and got as a result more laughter, he wasn’t gentle at his dismissal so let’s say that I was there, broken hearted and humiliated… he made me feel so small and worthless… ‘ _go back to your farm, little kit,’_ I walked rounds around the corn field, trying to catch my center again to no avail…”

Judy looked at her mother, seeing that even after all these years the experience was painful to her, but despite what she was saying, a small smile was slowly blossoming upon her face as she clutched her ears with her arms like a little shy kit.

“Then out of nowhere Stu appeared and made a joke of himself and made me laugh, it caught me off guard, I never expected that the boy that had been so smitten with my older sister and that I’ve been ignoring and mistreating for so long did his best to put a smile upon my face… it made me notice him for the first time,” Bonnie looked at her daughter, her nose twitching in embarrassment, her ears fully erect and rosy, unable to contain just how happy that memory made her.

“Did you fall in love with him then?”

“No… we began to be friends at that point dear… I renounced my dreams right there when I looked at him, not bothered to be covered by dirt. I then began to put more attention to the farm work than to my appearance to the annoyance of the many bucks that liked to ogle at me.” Giggling, Bonnie then put her paws on the table, “it left the spot free… and guess who went to replace me?”

“Aunt Miriam?”

“Exactly… she fit better than me in that kind of life, and she’s happy with her bucks, and does and their many, many kittens, I even heard that she’s already pregnant again…”

“Already? She certainly doesn’t lose time, isn’t it?”

“Not in the likeliest dear,” Bonnie certified, before she continued, “It took me nearly two years to notice that I was in love with Stu… and by then, we were best friends… and he was still behind Pauline’s tail…”     

“But isn’t Aunt Pauline?”

“Lesbian? At the time she wasn’t sure darling, she struggled hard to understand what was going on with her, and when she finally settled her mind, well… it didn’t end well for Stu.”

Cringing, Judy felt sorry for her father as she knew that he was quite the emotional buck. “How hard did he take it?”

“Pretty hard… he didn’t hate her. He loved her too much for that, but it still broke his heart when she told him to cease his attempts at courting her… he fled mom’s burrow, bawling his eyes out like a small kitten, I did said some hurtful things to your Aunt, which I thankfully asked her to forgive me for at a later date, so it’s all water under the bridge…” Bonnie immediately added when she saw her daughter eyes shine with indignation at what she had heard, sighing in relief when Judy managed to let her social crusader rest.

“It was there that the two of you felt in love?”

“None at all… I loved him of course, he was my best friend. So I went to help him, hoping to pay the debt by making him laugh in such a dire moment as he did with me so long ago… I found him near the pumpkin patch… and sadly, I failed miserably to make him smile,” Looking at her distraught daughter, Bonnie did her best to control the giggle that wanted to emerge from her mouth before she continued, “from that day on, I tried to make him as happy as I could, we made jokes while we worked on the fields, we counted the stars at night, we were as tight as a male and a female could be…”

“What changed?”

“Emily happened…”

“Aunt Emily?”

“The one and only, you see. I wasn’t the only one interested in Stuart attention, but unlike me who was happy to just be her friend, Emily was far more interested on him as a buck, so she began to court him… and I found that I didn’t like it.” the smile slowly disappeared, quickly replaced by a tense line as she recounted how she felt about the whole ordeal, “I suddenly found myself lacking something really important in my life, so I sat myself and thought, _why?”_

Looking at her daughter, Bonnie knew why exactly her daughter has asked her this particular question.

“I found myself thinking, _why I’m so bothered by this?_ He wasn’t strikingly handsome like Geoffrey Munchson or Riley Robb, he wasn’t rich like the Slanders or incredibly smart like Dexter, he wasn’t even close to what I wanted or dreamed about my future mate, and you know what?” Seeing the rapt attention of Judy over her every word, the old doe smiled at her daughter before she added: “I found that I didn’t cared at all…”

“What… what happened, what made you change your mind?”

“I found that I enjoyed being beside him, he made me laugh, did his best to make me happy, he listened to me and we just adored to talk about everything, even nonsense. He didn’t cared just about my appearance like the rest of the bucks, he was far from perfect, he was a worrywart, a crybaby and even worse, he snores.” Giggling together, the two doe’s remained silent for a few seconds before Bonnie continued: “But I found myself simply discovering that while he might not be what I had envisioned before, he wasn’t perfect. But he was real, and he already loved me as much as I loved him, we just needed to take the risk and try…”

Seeing that Judy was immediately caught what she might have implied, Bonnie then continued, not letting her daughter change the rhythm of the entire conversation.

“So I went and told him to date me, he stuttered, Emily groaned and my mother whooped. I never let him go since…”

“Mom… I.”

“Judy, I understand why you’re afraid, I really do. But you might be hurting yourself at this pace, you don’t have anything to lose, if it doesn’t work… you can fix it, you can go back to being friends, you never let anything stop you before, you didn’t back off after Gideon clawed you, you didn’t back off after we tried to break your spirit, you didn’t back off after the whispering and the mocking that you suffered through high school and college, nor at the academy or Zootopia, you never let fear dictate your life… and when it finally did, you nearly lost everything in the process… please, don’t let fear once again get a grip on your life.”

With that, Bonnie simply stood up when to Judy and kissed her daughter forehead, slowly turning off the fire on the stove and retiring to her room to catch some sleep knowing that there were some of her children to take care of what she had begun.

Meanwhile, Judy simply stared at the door were her mother had vacated the premises, eyes shining as she looked at the darkness beyond the door, her mind reeling with what she had heard, what it implied and what she had been doing these past months.

“Oh goodness, I’ve messed up things so much.” She wailed as silently as she could, her hand quickly going to her phone, turning it on and waiting for it to be ready, quickly noticing the messages about missing calls, nine of them, her trembling fingers pushing the dial over Nick’s number, waiting, hoping that things were still salvageable, but the sound of the automatic operator telling her that Nick’s number wasn’t available shattered any hope of fixing things.

“He turned it off as well…” Her stomach felt empty, the fear and dread that had settled there making her feel as if something was pulling her innards, trying to make a ball with them. “Oh no, no, no…”

She looked around her, her vision quickly becoming blurry, she was about to break, here in the middle of the kitchen were her siblings would find her, broken and at her lowest. She tried to breathe, to control it, but found that she couldn’t, what had she been doing these past months? What had she been thinking? Her hands grasped the border of the table, her phone groaning in protest due to the impact, but she didn’t cared, she needed to center herself before she crumbled under the pressure, her breath was labored, shallow, hiccups interrupting her every attempt to calm down.

The sound of children screaming brought her to a stop, alarms soon rising, and her professional persona now in control, she looked around and rushed toward the welcoming hall, were the ruckus was centered, she couldn’t discern what exactly has happened, the cacophony of so many voices trying to talk at the same time was confusing at best, so she simply left her feet’s take her, only to stop abruptly once she reached the entry to the welcoming hall.

There, surrounded by kits all over the place, some of them trying to bring him down as they jumped all around him, was a fox, smiling, content in appearance, but she knew that it was a façade, a well-crafted one.

At least if you didn’t caught the frail, almost non-existent tell-tales on his body language like she did, soon finding that despite the suave persona he displayed in front of the kits, that he was truly distraught, there were a slight discoloration on his eyes, he hasn’t sleep well, probably since the disaster that was her call, his fur wasn’t as shiny or well cared as it usually was, meaning that he had rushed here without care of appearances. His shoulders once he saw her, tensed a little, his eyes narrowed somewhat, his smile wasn’t completely there, he was tense, ready to a screaming match, and she had to admit that a part of her wanted to cede and give it to him, because said part was scared witless, she didn’t knew what the future entailed, and she knew, she just knew that whatever happened in a few hours, she will lose something precious.

“Hey Officer,” He said, and she couldn’t prevent the slight cringe of her shoulders when she heard him call her that, he was mad, obviously so by his lack of use of a pet-name. The kits around him, far more perceptive than any of them gave them credit for, slowly moved away from them, almost as if afraid that any sudden movement might unleash the uncomfortable and quite tense atmosphere upon them.

“Wilde,” She answered back, walking toward him, or more precisely, the door, “come with me, will you?” she whispered once she reached him, barely glancing at the direction of the kits, and some of the adults present, if she was about to commit a mistake once more, she wanted some privacy. He nodded, and quickly followed her to the door, nearly tripping against her when she opened the door and froze, glancing at the sight of a particular car that nearly ruined her mood right there.

Honey’s pink car, a reminder of what had ignited her temper on the call, what had impulsively forced her to lash out and confess in the worst way possible, her ears stood erect, her freckles raising a little before she closed her eyes, she needed to control her temper, this was important, even when the ideas and whispers on her mind made things downright difficult to deal with, they really needed to talk, to clean things up, so she ignored the vile that attempted to rise within, and simply gulped, breathing deeply before she began to walk once more, quite aware of the close scrutiny of his eyes upon her.

Taking her mother story to mind, she took him to a field where they would have some relative privacy, she knew that the pumpkin patch wasn’t particularly active this day, which was perfect, if somehow ironic.

“Judy…”

“Not here…” she interrupted abruptly and tersely, trying to keep her mind focused on the patch, trying to get a hold of her temper, frayed with nerves and terror, “we need some privacy for this, and…” a slight look at their sides showed them that their presence wasn’t as inconspicuous as they desired, her brothers and some cousins were looking in their direction, in the tense atmosphere between them, “just follow me.”

He didn’t say anything else, not even a protest or a sardonic snarl, and not even a joke, nothing to reveal how he felt, what her abrupt confession had meant to him, how her conduct in the past months had caused a schism on their relationship, which only served to make her even more nervous, dread consuming her with what could possibly happen, her worst fears coming to mind, now probably a reality.

Those were the tensest and most nerve wracking eleven minutes of her life, so once they saw the pumpkins, some of them bigger than themselves, were finally the signal for her to stop, and try to make amend.

“I’m sorry…”

“Judy I…”      

Surprised by how they caught the other trying to speak, they awaited, giving the other a chance to speak, sighing when none of them spoke for a couple of minutes, she took control.

“I’m sorry, by how I’ve been acting, by what I’ve been forcing on you and, for what I said on the phone.” She said, convinced that this was the right choice, especially when she saw his face, controlled, cold, his eyes were calculative, and furious, “I know that… it isn’t enough to make you forgive me, I know that I’ve been a…”

“Just, what’s wrong with you?!”

His shout caught her off guard, taking a couple of steps back due to the surprise, her worst fears coming to life, he looked at her in confusion, hurt, hopeless. “N-Nick… what?”

“First, you love it when I present you to an old friend; you told me that you liked Honey, that you supported my decision to help her with her business in Outback Island; that it was a good idea, you were EAGER to even help us!” He kept screaming, pacing back and forth, moving his arms wildly, trying to get a hold of something or someone that wasn’t there, Judy simply stared, wide eyed: “You got along with her, but then, something changed, she did something, or we did something that made you close off, you stopped coming to her park. You started to ignore her, and then… there was that, that… thing with the double date.”

Judy cringed at the memory, not her proudest idea, what was she really thinking?

“You forced me to attend to this thing with a Vixen and a Buck… only for us to end up spurning our dates; you didn’t like it when I got along with her…”

“Hey, hey, you nearly snarled at that poor buck when he asked me to dance!” She screamed back, she wasn’t the only one that committed mistakes that night, even if the disastrous idea was hers to begin with, Nick did as much damage as she did.

“That’s not the point!” He kept screaming, looking at her, and raising his arms to the sky, almost as if asking for patience, one of his hands falling onto his eyes, covering them as he attempted to calm down, “You don’t like my friend, you don’t like when I try to get to know the vixen you put me in a date with… And then, and then… when I thought I had you pegged, you go and confess to me on the phone, then hung on me, and if that wasn’t enough, you’re now backpedaling once more, and implying that it was a mistake.”

He was nearly whispering now, and Judy had to admit that it had a bigger effect on her than his screams, things were so complicated, and there was just so much to say.

“And you think that I’m not aware of it?” She screamed back, unable to contain it anymore, “That I’m not aware of how manipulative, controlling and _obsessive_ I’ve been these past months?” She glared at him, making him step back a little, emboldening her resolve, “I’m jealous, jealous of how close you’re to Honey, and how quickly you repaired your relationship.” Her eyes fell on the ground, her eyes stinging and her heart pounding, “I’m jealous of the fact that suddenly, you were spending more time with her, our routine? Suddenly broken and modified to include her.”

“Judy!” He began, but the rabbit glared at him, eyes full of tears, shutting his muzzle immediately at how miserable she looked.

“I’m terrified about losing you; I’m terrified of how greedy I feel.” She continued, finally voicing what was bothering her, “I’ve fallen for you, Nick, so much that the mere idea of losing in as my best friend hurts,” putting a hand over her heart, looking at him, nose twitching, “I’m terrified of losing you as my partner,  so much that it breaks me apart. I’m petrified of losing you as a possible mate, so much that’s agonizing… and the sad truth, the cold hard truth is that if I choose some of those choices, I will lose some of the others.”

“That’s not true…” He said, looking at me wide eyed, “You don’t know that.”

“I don’t?” She said, laughing a little at what he had said, “If I choose you as a friend, I’ll keep the partner, but lose the mate,” she looked at him, daring him to contradict her, “If I choose my partner, I might keep my friend, but I still lose my mate.”

The way he closed his eyes told her that he finally caught on what she was talking about.

“And if you choose the mate, you might keep the friendship depending on how it goes, but then you’ll lose your partner… If we get together, they’ll separate us.” He understood, he finally did, or at least partially.

“It’s driving me mad, Nick. I’m greedy enough that I don’t want to give up any part of you, I want you as my friend, I want you as my partner, and I definitely want you as my mate, I want it all… I can’t lose you Nick, I just can’t…”

He rushed at her, her arms soon surrounding her firmly, hugging her as desperately as she did to him, afraid that if they let go, the other would drift apart.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why keep it all this time?”

“Because I felt disgusted with myself, that I could be so obsessive, so greedy and shallow… I didn’t liked how I behaved, but the more I thought about what I would lose, the harder it became to control it…”

“I love you, you dumb bunny, for weeks I thought; I thought that you simply were growing tired of me, trying to put me with another… You suddenly felt so distant, so closed off…”

“I’m sorry Nick, I’m just sorry, I’m just so afraid of losing you in any way… It’s unbearable, if we go this road, we will never be partners again, they will separate us, assign us to other teams, and we wouldn’t be together anymore… They could even transfer us to different districts!”   

Separating a little, and trying to look at her in the eyes, he smiled, making her problems simply disappear, the hole on her gut disappearing, replaced with other much more different and pleasant feeling.

“Perhaps, but… it’s not the end, we lose a partner, yes… but we gain so much more, I think…” putting a finger on her lips, he interrupted her, not letting her voice her next fear, “We’ve so far talked our problems out, If we don’t work as a couple, we could talk it, it wouldn’t be easy, I’m not saying that it will be perfect or idyllic, it will be hard and full of harshness as well as good moments, but, if we kept letting fear of the what if guide us, we WILL lose each other, Judy…”

She looked at him, his words resonating on her mind, as well as her mother counsel a few hours ago, a small smile slowly etching on her lips, as she then buried her face on his shirt, bawling her eyes out, bleeding out stress with each tear and wail. He wasn’t leaving her; she wasn’t losing him, and even when she was probably going to lose something quite valuable on her work, she was still gaining a spouse.

It was terrifying, the mere idea of losing something as valuable as that scared her, but they were right, she couldn’t let fear control her anymore; she needed to adapt and keep going, life wasn’t fair, we couldn’t have everything we wanted, but despite the losses, there were still some gains, to take into account as few as they were.

And there, hugging among pumpkins, she knew that perhaps, she had finally taken the step into the right direction, as their embrace increased between them, showing and reassuring each other that they were right there, willing to give it a chance despite the odds against them.   


End file.
